Raising a Blended Family

How to Royally Piss Off Your Toddler [in five easy steps]

on July 26, 2014

In case you, too, have been kept awake at night wondering how to achieve the impossible dream of pissing off your toddler. I believe I have finally perfected the method and wanted to share with all of you! So, without further ado:

1. Tell him it’s night-night time. Make sure to give him plenty of notice, such as telling him “we’re going to eat lunch, and then we’re going night-night.” “you’re done with lunch now, let’s clean you off and go night-night”. “Time to go night-night, let’s sing our night-night song”. He will scream every time you mention the word night-night. This is good! Remember, the experts say routines help toddlers learn what to expect out of their days.You want to give him plenty of time and advanced notice to get good and enraged.

2. When the time comes, bring him into his OWN ROOM to go night-night. He will be confused, and then the realization will start to hit, and he will start to Get Mad. Lay him down on his own toddler bed, and make sure to insist he stay there, even when he starts to scream at you. It’s progress! Mad means you’re doing it right. Pat his back and shush him, give him kisses and tell him you love him- it will only enrage him more.

3. Actually succeed at getting him to sleep in his own bed. This may seem counter-productive to building him up to a rage, but just wait…

4. Allow him to sleep in his own bed, wake up [after far too short a time napping], and realize he’s been bamboozled and that you actually LEFT him there, sleeping, by himself. Now the rage really begins. Enjoy the sounds of screaming and pissed-off toddler from across the house as you make your way to his room, and make sure to say [brightly] when you walk in the room: “oh, you’re awake!” like you have no idea he’s throwing a huge temper tantrum. This is sure to gain the most pissed-off response possible.

5. Add the icing on top of the cake. Since he woke up so early, so pissed, he’s clearly not ready to join the world yet. Make sure to inform him of this and tell him it’s still night-night time as you carry him back to bed. Enjoy the sounds of sweet success as your [grumpy, sleepy, highly enraged] boy tells the world exactly what he thinks of you. If you want, you can allow him to then go to sleep in your bed instead of his [guaranteed longer napping time], but for maximum toddler-enraging benefit, stick with his own bed. He’ll scream at you for it, promise.


4 responses to “How to Royally Piss Off Your Toddler [in five easy steps]

  1. DeCaf says:

    Is there a way to not piss off a toddler?

    • lezbemoms says:

      Um, yes.

      You just have to make sure… Well, no, that won’t work.

      Actually, I think you need to…
      Hmm. Nope. That won’t work either.

      Just try to… Shit.

      Forget it. The answer is no. No, there is not a way to not piss off a toddler.

  2. Rachael says:

    This is great! I admit, there isn’t much that doesn’t piss off my toddler. She tripped on the rug? Scream! Did she fall? Nope, but she may have slid a bit, SCREAM. Its time for a nap and we have the wrong drink? SCREAM! LOL, she’s super cranky lately, you are not alone!

    • lezbemoms says:

      Yeah, mine too. Tonight, he screamed at me for not letting him have any more grapes (because he was chewing them, then spitting them out all slimy and mashing them into my carpet).


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