lezbemoms

Raising a Blended Family

Exploring the Possibilities of a Known Donor….

on September 25, 2011

Well, first off, I have to post a big congratulations to the ladies at lesbo parents to be, and also to mine and Shorty’s RL friend Nicole on the births of their respective babies on Friday and Saturday. Haven’t seen pics of Baby Buggie yet, but Nicole’s baby is such a chunker! Ten pounds of cuteness.  Unfortunately I woke up sick today and can’t go visit him.  Boo.

Anyways, back on topic… exploring the possibility of a known donor.  When we originally thought/talked about TTC we had considered having a known donor;  however, upon looking around and surveying our friends, there was nary an eligible male in sight whom we felt comfortable asking and whom we thought would be up for it (we did “probe the waters” a bit with one friend… turns out he’s snipped! so not helpful).  So in any case, in absence of available known donors, we turned to frozen donors, and found a few we quite liked.  However, at $300 a pop for less than a milliliter of the stuff, it’s not the most economical option for us, nor is it the most convenient in terms of timing out exactly when you need the frozen stuff to arrive and when to return the Dewar.  Lacking other options, we had pretty much resigned ourselves to doing it this way and were in fact pretty okay with it (aside from bemoaning the amount of $$$ the stuff costs).

Enter Possible Known Donor (PKD).  Without going into too many details, he’s someone with whom Shorty works.  He has considered sperm donation before to another couple, but at the time he wasn’t yet 18.  He knew we were trying and struck up a casual conversation about it that led to him offering to help.   All of this happened yesterday, and my mind is spinning.  Shorty told him she would have to talk to me about it, so here we are, in blogland, “talking” ;).  The differences between KD and frozen donor seems so vast!  So many different things are going through my head about it, and so, without further ado, I present you with a bullet list:

  • Initial reaction was weariness mixed with hopefulness.  I am completely okay with using a KD (I think?) but could we actually make this work?  Is it going to make things more complicated down the road (in terms of knowing who our child’s second set of genes belong to- and the fact that Shorty works with him?)
  • Logistics-wise:  he lives 45 minutes away.  Transportation might be a problem.  Lots of goog.ling has informed me than fresh can live for up to ninety minutes if kept at body temperature? Anyone wanna verify?
  • Legal-wise:  if we did this, we would need to draw up a KD contract to protect us all.  Something along the lines of the baby would be ours and PKD would have no legal rights over him/her.  Those of you who have used KD, where’d you get your contract? Draw it up from scratch?  We’re thinking it would be a good idea to have a lawyer look over it as well, before we all sign it and get it notarized.
  • Health-wise:  Screening is a must, as well as a physical work-up.  We would pay, of course, but no way in hell is that stuff going anywhere near me without being screened for STD’s and the like first.  Should we screen for genetic stuff too?  Is a full physical enough?

There’s just so much to think about.  Ultimately, this would be amazing if it could work- no more paying $700 for two tiny vials, and timing wouldn’t be as hard either- get a positive OPK, call PKD!  But there seems to be so much to work through first.  Anyone who’s used a KD before have any input for us?

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5 responses to “Exploring the Possibilities of a Known Donor….

  1. wow! that’s a very generous offer and a really big decision! we used an anon sperm bank donor, so i’m probably not the best to give advice. the only thing i’d suggest is going through an attorney to make sure everything is as tight as possible. good luck with the decision!

  2. Abby says:

    Hi! We considered a KD, but decided against it as I was having serious heart palpitations when it came down to actually discussing the details with him.
    In the process, though, our friends told us how they went about ensuring legal protections. They had the attorney in town draw up a contract and it cost them about $700 for that. True, they used the best lawyer in town. Do you have a gay yellow pages where you live? If so, do some research for a friendly lawyer who has experience drawing up these types of legal documents. The contract is really very detailed and covers every potential circumstance. It also references things such as being registered as DPs, intending for the non-bio mom to fully adopt the child after birth, etc.
    However, the biggest point I want to make is that its okay if you have to say no because when it comes down to actually moving forward with the process, you just don’t feel 100% comfortable. This is a HUGE decision and even huger if you live in a state that doesn’t grant you every possible protection you could need. He’s probably a very nice guy, but when it comes to this kind of thing, you need more assurance than his niceness. That’s all and I’m certain I’m preaching to the choir, but I thought I’d share my two cents anyway 🙂
    I’m really happy for you two and you will continue to be great mothers no matter which way you get to your second baby.
    Lots of love,
    Abby

  3. We very seriously considered a KD (a very close friend) and were very close to going that route. We decided not to for three reasons: geography (not an issue in your case), worry about how my family would react and thinking that my friend not my partner was the other “legit” parent, and legality. We live in the South, and KD contracts can be thrown out of court or invalidated quite easily here. We didn’t know that the contracts were useless in GA at first, so you may want to have a good talk with a knowledgeable lawyer in your state or any state where you might move in the future. In GA, it’s also illegal to inseminate at home, so we wouldn’t have saved as much money since we’d still have to have KD’s sperm frozen and tested and injected at a doctor’s office.

    I feel you on sperm prices though; the stuff was so expensive! I am sure you will make the best decision for your family, though. Sending good vibes that the right answer will come to you easily.

  4. CJ says:

    Email me. I have a ton of info for you. dontlicktheferrets@gmail.com

  5. We used a KD that we found online, not someone intertwined in our daily lives. We only communicate during cycles that we are TTC. We had a long first meeting about expectations and procedures. Our donor got a FULL blood work up – sperm analysis, hepatitis stuff, all vaccine records, etc. He said his dr does it all yearly anyway, so we didn’t have to pay for it, we just got a copy from Labcorp. He is 45 minutes from us (on a non-traffic day) and sometimes we’d drive it back home and other times we’d inseminate there. He was 100% ok with us inseminating at his place. (It’s not like we have a long sex session when we insem, lol) So, if you’re looking for other information you can post here or email me: loveshackbabywp@yahoo.com

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