lezbemoms

Raising a Blended Family

Bumps in the road

on August 15, 2011

So… more drama in WorkLand and none of it pretty.  This time it revolves around my quals.  Dr. Asshole this morning suggested putting them off- delaying them. WHAT? Noooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh sorry, that was just my automatic internal response. But seriously. WTF? This entire time, there has been NO MENTION of putting these bad boys off.  It was end of September, do-or-die, Bitch.  The prospect of putting them off, quite frankly, TERRIFIES me.  It would mean 4 more months of stress. It would mean four more months of uncertainty.  It would mean four more months of oh-my-god-what-happens-now.

There is a very tiny tiny tiny voice inside me that says maybe this could be a good thing.  Putting them off would mean more time to get more data, more time to get all my experiments “working,” more time to make sure I pass.  It would mean not having to worry about failing (and thus, losing my paycheck) right before the holidays (I could worry about that after the holidays instead).  It would mean guaranteed income for another four months.

I can’t decide.  But then, it’s not necessarily my decision to make anyways.

Delaying would also potentially wreak havoc on our tentative November baby-making plans.  I am so. SICK. of having to delay those.  Shorty suggested that we just go ahead, no matter what.  Trust that the road will level out and I will either have this job or I will not (we were talking about trying to work things out so I could stay home with Baby anyways), but that by the time Baby gets here (even if Baby takes on our first try), everything will have settled down again and would be okay.

This is the part where I admit how much I just wanna take that idea and run with it.  Run with it and not stop.  Yes, it scares me, yes, I know it sounds crazy, but at the same time… it feels like there’s never going to be a “perfect” time to have baby.  First quals, then life- there will always be something standing in the way.  But people do it all the time.  They get through things like quals and life and other obstacles with baby in tow- they don’t just simply plan their baby around their lives, they plan their lives around their baby.  They make it work- hell, my own mother made it work! Single (young) mom, puts herself through college with infant/toddler/kid in tow, finds stable job, meets Trophy Husband, moves up in career, gets married, buys house, has another kid- all with me in tow.  That’s strength and determination right there ladies and gentlemen, and look how well that scenario turned out.  I guess my point here is that I am starting to realize that life will not just lay down at my feet and say oh here, let me schedule you a nine month plus 18 year gap where there won’t be any hardships- we’ll pencil it in right about here– just so you can get pregnant and raise this child with no hardships along the way.  The world won’t stop and wait.  We just have to have the courage to dive in anyways.

 

***EDIT: So I just had an interesting conversation with a fellow grad student.  He admitted (guiltily) to me that he and his wife are also trying to have a baby (he’s a year behind me in grad school).  Funny thing is though, before I told him Shorty and I are also trying, he was going through why he worries about it but they really want kids, and then he said that he knows there’s never going to be a perfect time so why not now.  My thoughts exactly!!!  It was really validating to hear another person unknowingly voice my same exact thoughts.  Made me feel less crazy for wanting to go through with it anyways.

Also, after the conversation, I was thinking about it… it just strikes me as wrong, that two grown adults were sitting huddled in the lunch room whispering to each other about their hopes and dreams for a family, like it’s something to be ashamed of.  Like it’s something to be guilty of.  I have this pervasive fear inside me of being “mommy-tracked,” that any professor who finds out we want to have another child here soon is going to automatically think I’m off track, that I’m not as serious as other students because I want to have a family AND a career.   There’s this culture of hush hush don’t talk about your plans, just keep quiet and act like it was an accident (hello, SO not possible for us!).  I dislike it- I think if we’re “grown up” enough to be working towards our careers and stable jobs, then we’re grown up enough to talk about our plans for children.  Out loud.  And not while huddled in the corner of the lunchroom.

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2 responses to “Bumps in the road

  1. prettyisa says:

    Oh, absolutely say it was an accident, and then look confused when they ask how that could have happened. Then you can talk about storks and that stupid wagon wheel you put on your roof and next thing you know…
    I say try for the baby in November no matter what. And if your work life is as bad as it sounds, I’d do the quals in September and just live with what happens. There was a time there when you were thinking of quitting anyway–why put yourself through four more months of hell with a sadistic boss if you can possibly avoid it?

  2. X says:

    Our philosophy was we would start trying when we would have, had we been straight gotten lazy with or stopped using birth control. We did end up waiting a bit longer, but you are right, there is never ever going to be a perfect time. I also looked at it as “if this does NOT stick the first couple times, I would rather know sooner than have the perfect time and time after that pass by because there was some unforeseen issue,
    .

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