lezbemoms

Raising a Blended Family

Bio-grandkids

on April 7, 2011

So my mother has been mentioned a few times on the blog here lately, thanks to the blog challenge I’m currently doing.  Well, hold on to your hats folks because here’s another post involving her!

Last night I was having a conversation with her and somehow the baby topic came up.  Now, I said I was close to my mom, and I am, and we do talk about pretty much everything… so I have discussed our baby-making plans with her, just not in detail.  In December when I announced to her that we were planning on getting pregnant soon, she freaked. Flipped out, got scared, had her you’re-going-to-ruin-your-life face on.  She had me young and I think she was having flashbacks, to be honest.  Eventually though, she came around, and now she’s excited about us having a baby.

The only thing is, she kept mentioning how excited she was for me to have the baby. How excited she is for me to be pregnant.  How excited she is to see her grandchild.  This is all well and good, except as you know, I am no longer the one getting pregnant first.  C is. And when I mentioned this to her… she was disappointed.

She told me flat out that she wants me to be pregnant first, she wants a biological grandchild, and that she was super excited about me being pregnant. “Was” being the key word.

Um, okay. Awesome. Except that, dearest mother, it isn’t your place to call these shots.  And maybe you might be hurting my feelings by implying that the child C bears is somehow less legitimately your grandchild than a child I bear.  And who the hell comes into a conversation between a couple and says, um no, you’re making your babies wrong, you need to do it this way instead? Apparently my mother, that’s who.

I’m having a lot of emotions about this conversation.  Hurt. Worried that C will be hurt (it’s too late to shield her from it as she was right there when the convo happened and I would want to be open with her anyways).  And strangely enough, in the midst of the hurt and worry, a little bit of understanding, too.

I know what it is to want a biokid (or biograndkid).  I want one too.  Well, actually, what I want is the experience of being pregnant, of giving birth, of holding the child I grew for nine months in my womb proudly and then watching that child grow.  That’s what I mean when I say I want a biokid.  But, the thing is, I know I’ll get that experience… but for now it’s C’s turn.  And I’m okay with that.  100%.  Me being excited for my own pregnancy in no way diminishes my excitement for C’s.  I’m still happy she’s going to be pregnant.  I can’t wait to meet our next child.  I’m happy she’s willing to do this for us, I’m happy that she’s been showing excitement over it, I’m excited to see her belly grow huge rounder (sorry honey! love you!), and I’m excited to take care of her throughout and raise this child together.  I’m happy about the whole damn process, while at the same time looking forward to my own pregnancy as well.

I guess I wish my mom had that same perspective too.  I’m hoping she’ll come around.  I do know that she won’t ever outwardly raise this baby as anything less than her legitimate grandchild, just like she’s already taken to T1. That was never part of the concern… but I am worried about how she’ll be feeling on the inside.

I also think that a lot of how she takes to her role is going to have to do with us.  As with a lot of things about being in a lesbian relationship, I think that people aren’t always sure about how to act about certain lesbian-specific situations (like biomoms verses nonbiomoms), and in these cases I think they take their cues from us.  For instance, if we send her all the cute baby onesies and bibs and such (we’re planning on telling her when C’s pregnant by sending her a bib that says ‘My moms are awesome but grandma is the best” or something like that), keep her updated on pregnancy tidbits, have her come to the baby shower and act like she is the biograndma of this kid… maybe she’ll be more comfortable taking on the role.  I also think it will be helpful when she moves closer, that she’ll get to see T1 and the baby a lot more often as well, and be more involved in their lives (she already asked if she could watch them during the summer when they’re out of school- I take this as a good sign).

So anyways.  I think the actual conversation with my mother was shorter than this post ;), but at least I think I got it all out.  Any of you deal with similar situations or conversations with your relatives?

PS: I know I also owe you day whatever it is from the blog challenge, but I’ll just have to double up tomorrow because this post is way too long! Night!

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3 responses to “Bio-grandkids

  1. X says:

    Haven’t had the experience… yet… but I think we will… and there is certainly some disappointment from C’s family when they find out that I will likely ttc first (or even exclusively).

    There is something about biology that really gets people stuck… it’s probably more than just emotions, there’s probably a protective factor there (continuing the lineage and all of that junk that may be hardwired in).

    I hope it gets better and I think your ideas for being super inclusive are great 🙂

  2. isa says:

    I wonder if she was just upset because you’ve already got T1 and she figured that T2 would be her biograndkid. Hopefully she’ll come around sooner rather than later, and realize what a jerkish reaction that was (though at least it was honest, I guess). I find that what works with my family is to tell them what the appropriate reaction is, ie: I need you to be happy about this and excited that we are having a child this way. So far they usually manage to respond with the indicated reaction, even if it is a little forced. But then over time it gets less forced. I don’t know if that would work for you, but it might be worth a try.

  3. sending ((hugs)). we face this issue with R’s mother – she definitely feels differently toward her bio-grandkids than she does toward bird…and it both breaks my heart and makes me SO angry. i hope you can find a way to address the issue so your relationship doesn’t suffer.

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